I have a crush…..

I have a crush on this guy. I am a hopeless romantic. Its the only way I can live! He has locs just like me. I want to treat this like a crush, in a way it liberates me. The only problem is, I dont think I would really want to be with this person…..I am dating now. I put myself on the market because I want initimacy and closeness. I also havent had any since March when the world was opened but that wasnt a good thing I had going on anyway.

After the first time I saw him, I was mesmerized. When songs start playing in your head and you just smile at nothing for no reason. I love when a guy can make me dream, give me something to think about, want and desire. He has the softest lips. I fantasize about him. The most thought I have about him is sitting next to him just unable to catch my breath without having my lips pressed to his. I’d slide my hand in his hand and put his phone out of sight. The energy between me and him is all we need.

I get inspired off of the way I feel. Unfortunately my thoughts got stuck because the idea of the energy between me and him is overwhelmeing to where Im stuck in a trance. Under a spell, where I cant speak, write, think all I can do is feel.

I dont have his phone number yet and I dont even know if he would even consider talking to me. He may have a girlfriend or just a dater, not really serious about anything. Maybe he is one of those guys. Knowing me and the way my mind has this fairytale dreamland idea of the world sometime, in that instant before reality wakes up everything is possible.

I just want to go for it but My reality wakes up…….my anxiety is my reality. It is my worst enemy and I have no control over it and it sucks….but the best part of reality is you can escape it by dreaming.

Its this song by Bruno Mars called “Our first time” and it plays in my head when I think about kissing him for the first time. Jeez, what if he is not what I imagined. What if he is the possible worst of what I imagine. I guess thats where the universe comes in a clarifies everything because if its meant to be it will be.

That notion save me everytime. Still I wonder how he slept. I still want to get to know him so I can rule out the fact if I would even like him or not. Once I spend actual time with him I think that would be what will help me. Ill update later on as life goes.

This is what I have a blog for, because I dont mind sharing my thoughts because there are so damn many of them!

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