Ankai’s Tryouts

SO I have been looking for this inspiration for a while. I had one of my “premonition’s” or where I remember this weird thought that I had in my dream that popped up randomly while I was awake like it came out of the deep dark depths of my mind. Yeah, it goes K-Boom but usually when I have those moments it means I am where I am supposed to be in my life. Now believe it or not, this is not where I want to be in my life.

I’m moving out of my friends house because apparently my son is a criminal for being a 4 year old and throwing toy keys at the baby. Was I ok with this? fuck no! I got into his ass but I discussed this with the father and of course initially he said oh my god keep your son away from my son, Im like……uh oh….downhill, its not going to get better from here radar, but then he said never mind Ill handle it.

So I let him “rough up my son” a little bit, I mean after I grilled his ass and drill sergeant him it should have been enough but no my son apparently needed more discipline because he “intentionally disrespected” the father and he “knows better”. This is the part that knocks me on my ass and keeps me there. I know what its like for someone to look at me every single day in disgust because of something they did fucking years ago. There is resentment and anger and frustration and overall the person needs anger management but no judgement thrown here. So I got confronted a week later about the situation. I felt like we cleared the air but I guess not. I’m like OK my son got his punishment, what else do you want me to do? Throw him in jail? He is 4 years old! Anyway so after I was confronted about my son needing to change his behavior and I don’t want to put you guys out. blah blah. I’m like wait what stuck out to me was “I don’t want to put you guys out”. I overreacted like I usually do and this time I did it right because all of those emotions and entanglements in my head got out and I already made the decision to leave. The anger the frustration the denial……I pretty much am still going through the grievance process. So after being confronted about it on Saturday damn morning I got confronted by my best friend Sunday fucking afternoon………I’m like yea. I already got upset about it and I’m leaving this week because I don’t want to be in anyone’s house and have them hate my son. I have been through this many times before. Why? because my life is a series of unfortunate events that I do question and ask myself, why didn’t I do better? but I cant do anything about it now.

So here I am Tuesday morning Sept 1st with my premeditated mind. Full of no fucks to give and ready to move on to the next step and leave this shit behind me. Its unfortunate that I have to leave to make my friends husband happy but hey who doesn’t have to do that every so often…. Ha! I guess its only me.

I tried this one trick because the internet has all the answer to my life’s problems and I truly believe it does. I was worried because I got a call about my sons school, I wasn’t surprised because when it rains it pours so I m like well I don’t live in that district but his father does and I appointed guardianship to like 2 different people in the past year, so I can see why the lady was snotty with me on the phone but whatever.

Now, my sons father gets off parole in December and he isn’t supposed to violate his probation at all, I read up on this yesterday. don’t ask me how. lol but yea we have to at least try to be cordial because I need my son to stay in school. I don’t want him to change schools. It doesn’t help that I live all over the fucking place. So that is my worry today no it is my mission today. no worries.

Anyway I did this mind dump thing like 10 minutes before I went to sleep and usually I can remember my dreams every time after I sleep but this time nope, I cant remember a speck but I did earn something. I earned the gift of my mind, man it is a wonderful thing. I woke up in a better mood, I didn’t have any coffee, I’m focused and ready to take on the damn day. Like fuck all this shit. I got this. I say that with every ounce of my being. I m ready to get this stuff done so my son can still go to school. I’m ready to improve my knowledge for these jobs so I can make that money. I’m ready to say fuck all the bs cause it aint relevant to me cause it aint. The mind dump thing really helps. I think maybe journal 10 mins prior to sleep is very important and healthy for a productive mind in the morning because I mean I used to wake up with anxiety and sometimes I still do but this wake up feels like focused anxiety like I feel like I can control everything with my mind. I never wrote this much in a long time. This is epic.

I’m proud of myself even though. I’m going to keep going and I can only get better from here. This is literally just a bump in the road which is fucking normal. Boom!

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